Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She announced her abortion via fbk
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
