Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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