So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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