You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
