when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
How does it feel to date your dad?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
