i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
