can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
