After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
