dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
