yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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