i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
