genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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