two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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