Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
