My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
