My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Vodka?
Forever.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize