Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
