I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
