Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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