Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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