just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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