Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
