Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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