I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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