The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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