then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
