found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
