Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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