paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I should be sponsored by Trojan
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
