cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
