Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
