How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
