so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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