Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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