Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
