Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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