who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
