I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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