Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
