She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
