You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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