I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
