Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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