My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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