I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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