Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
my liver is dry heaving
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
