glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I looked at my own cervix.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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