I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
