He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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