I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
