So gin and wine won't be happening again
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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