I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
