Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
