His pubic hair was longer than his dick
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
