There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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