im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
