You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
